I returned from vacation to find a full answering machine. (Yes, answering machine. No school like the Old School, my friends.) A few friendly calls, but most were the usual hang-ups which call-logs revealed to be solicitations.
Then there was a cheerily-female-ish robot leaving me a Dire Warning. I had to listen to it several times to faithfully transcribe it:
“…you. This call is officially final notice from IRS. Internal Revenue Services. The reason that this call is to inform you that IRS is filing lawsuit against you. To get more information about this case file, please call immediately on our department number 360-244-4268. I repeat: 360-244-4268. Thank you.”
Oh, no! Did the IRS find out about how I’m going to split the money with the exiled progeny of a late, great Nigerian prince? (Just as soon as I give them my savings account routing number…)
But wait. It’s not an investigation. It’s a lawsuit and therefore could be about ANYTHING. Perhaps I wasn’t supposed to sign in cursive, since it has been banned in mainland states and parts of Puerto Rico. Maybe some of my deductions violated an international treaty against live-trapping middle schoolers.
Or Perhaps an IRS agent reviewing my return saw my occupation. Not everyone can be a Quality Control Inspector in the field of young adult production – one of the most prestigious jobs in the world – and no doubt she felt as if she had wasted her life. So she’s suing me for emotional pain. I didn’t call the dreadful number. I decided to wait for a scary-yet-intriguing professional to knock on the door and serve me a subpoena. I demand the service for which I pay taxes!
But it turns out it was a scam. In the pile of newspapers and journals collecting over the last month, I found a warning from the sheriff’s office about it. Phew!